TIFT #125: Helping Clients Wield the Power of Truth

What do people naturally do when they don’t feel heard? They get louder. And when that doesn’t work, as it usually doesn’t, they get pushy. “Look, this isn’t that complicated…” And when that doesn’t work, they may get insulting or confrontational. “Are you deaf or just stupid?” It happens in intimate partnerships, on social media, and anywhere people want to be heard.

The problem is that the other person quickly senses they are being pushed into something. They mount a defense and cease listening. The harder the speaker pushes, the more the other resists until words are said that can’t be taken back and actions taken that have consequences.

The usual answer is to use “I” statements. They work, but are limited and the inner mind, driven to be heard, soon turns the “I" into a “You.”  “I feel that you are unwilling to hear me.” Humans are exquisitely sensitive to being pushed around, so a “You” statement disguised as an “I” doesn’t pass. Teaching people to use true “I” statements is not easy. The “You” element somehow creeps into the discourse and ruins everything.

The reason for this post is that respecting the other person’s agency and free choice turns out to be more subtle and complex than it might seem. Success in recognizing the other’s boundaries turns out to be more powerful that it might seem.

What’s wrong with “You” statements?

When we use them, we are defining the other person. We are putting them in a category without their consent and expecting them to accept our opinion. Our identity is fragile and owning things we are not proud of is hard enough when we initiate the critique. There is a reason why someone else delivering the bad news is much more objectionable. It’s because the other person’s negative judgment is piling on top our our own inner criticism. That’s two against one, and it definitely hurts. Even in a relationship of trust, care is still important. The art of being tactful is showing full respect for the tender feelings of the other, especially in areas that are subject to inner judgments of shame or guilt. “I’m guessing you might feel uncomfortable about this and I really don’t mean anything critical, but I noticed…” Even that might be too much, depending on the circumstances. Why is it necessary to be so careful? Even if the other is ready and seems not to object, it won’t be of much benefit.

Giving orders

Another kind of “you” statement tramples on the other person’s agency, their control over their own decisions and actions. Imperatives, “You had better…” are just as threatening as “constructive criticism.” That’s why we say, “Would you mind?”

Boundaries

Stepping back, the crux if these issues is about the boundaries that protect our self. The self is actually more delicate and vulnerable than we might think. Until it is challenged, we tend to assume that our self is a robust, unwavering solid entity, but it isn’t. The reason is that we humans are hyper-social. Our lives depend on how we fit with others. Long ago we evolved away from prioritizing the ability to protect ourselves from physical harm and, more than any other species, we became dependent on social connections for survival. That means balancing what we give and what we receive in ways that work for everyone. For example, attachment styles are adaptations aimed as optimizing relationships for the greatest comfort and the least pain. Preverbal children learn to get what they want from the people around them and to give whatever works to make that happen. Near the end of the first year, shyness regulates the impact of others on the fragile sense of self.

The acquisition of language gives increasingly powerful tools but creates new vulnerabilities. Parents use words to punish and reward, and children soon use words on their schoolyard comrades. We become sensitive to criticism and to others’ demands and needs. Social interaction is all about give and take in a world where value assigned by the self and by others becomes exceedingly important and just as difficult to navigate.

Manipulation

The opposite of respecting boundaries is manipulation. My definition of manipulation is “bypassing the other person’s free will.” That means using some kind of pressure or force to take from the other person without having consulted their free will and without their consent. The number of ways to do that is unlimited. Blackmail, guilt trips, bullying, using leverage, buttering up, misleading, lying, and pretending are all ways to control others. While some become extraordinarily skilled at manipulation, even more common is skill at detecting and fending off attempts to bypass our guards. We put great value on consent, being able to choose, and on having others respect our fragile boundaries. That is why we so often shut down when others seem intent on trampling our self.

Are there times and places where manipulation is a good idea? Yes. Manipulation tips the balance of power. It gives power to the manipulator at the expense of the target. One place where this may be appropriate, even necessary is when dealing with someone we can’t trust. Then self-protection may require using such tactics. In contrast, for relationships where we have trust and are seeing intimacy, mutuality, and warmth, manipulation is destructive.

Recognizing manipulators

What about those who adopt all the mannerisms of a truth teller but are selling something or lying? There are professionals who are hard to discern except by their message, and then there is the sad phenomenon of “bleaching red flags,” especially as a result of trauma. It usually comes as a pattern not of missing the red flags, but talking oneself out of heeding them. That is an EMP that needs strenuously to be identified and addressed.

Speaking the truth

This phrase describes a way of removing the manipulative elements. It is a way of giving full respect to the other person’s free will and choices about how they view themselves, what they think and what they feel. It is a way of giving ultimate respect to the other person’s self.

There are many kinds of truth. Facts can be true, but so can feelings and opinions if they belong to us. By owning what is ours and being perfectly clear about what is not ours, we stake out the boundary that separates us from all others. Even an illusion or untruth, if we own it and don’t force it on the other is a truth because it is certainly ours. “This is my position” or belief, or feeling, or my way of claiming what is ours is respectful of boundaries. This is what “I” statements really mean. They are statements tied to what we own and about which we are the sole experts. They can change and be influenced, but at the moment of expressing them, they are simply true. Since they come from us, they don’t encroach on the other person’s boundaries. They are information laid on the table for the other person to take in, but do not constrain what the other must do with that information.

Can telling the truth be taught?

It turns out that speaking the truth isn’t so easy. When we feel strongly, it’s hard not to slip manipulative elements in. A pleading tone of voice or a bit of exaggeration is all it takes to put a spin on our words. Irony does it, too. These are subtle ways of manipulating the other person’s response. There are many more, so we will need to check ourselves before we start. Here are some metaphors that have helped people to watch what they say and examine their motives.

• Stay on your side of the tennis net. When we find ourselves wanting to influence the other person, we are likely to manipulating them. Is there something about our manner or words that is reaching over the net? That’s not allowed, and it turns out to be ineffective anyway, or at least far less effective than respecting the other.
• Don’t do neurosurgery: It often gets a laugh when people realize that they are, without realizing it, digging into the other person’s head where they don’t have a license to practice.
• Admit and accept your bias: When we admit how much we would like to influence or even control the other person, it becomes easier to accept the need to relinquish our cherished wish. They are going to have to make up their own mind free of manipulation.
• Memo from Mom: Teens are especially resistant to truths they don’t want to hear. I sometimes tell parents to leave the information they need to share in written form on the kitchen table. That communicates that the adult fully recognized the teen’s autonomy. 
• Announce your bias:  When you can’t avoid communicating your bias, the next best is to inoculate your listener by showing our hand. Telling the other what your bias is and assuring them that they are entirely free to respond however they like goes a long way to undoing damage before it happens.

The power of speaking the truth: Together these measures should be enough to communicate clearly your respect for the agency and freedom of thought of the other person. That is the art of speaking the truth. Here is the surprise. By removing your own wishes and bias, the truth shall have a far more powerful in influence others.

The reason is subtle. Most of us have learned to value and accept reality. Only a few possess personality pathology that makes it easy to “change reality.” For the rest of us, early in life, we learned, however reluctantly to accept truth without much of a fight. When we sense the inevitable, we tend to bend to it. When lightening strikes, we don’t argue or feel cheated. We accept an act of nature because humans have no choice about it. We recognize that there is no one to blame. It is not someone violating our boundaries. It does not represent (for most of us) a willful violation. That is what makes it feel benign and what makes us ready to accept.

Yes, all of us are capable of rationalizations and distortions, but when we recognize a ring of truth, we see it for what it is. We may fight it a bit, but soon cave in. The power of truth comes both from the information conveyed, but also the air of comfort in the teller of truth that comes form being at peace and un-conflicted about the message they are delivering.

Jeffery Smith MD

Photo Credit: Kido Dong, Unsplash